i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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