so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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