Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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