i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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