Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He passed out mid-signature
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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