when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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