In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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