The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
