please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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