I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
