So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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