I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
