You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
