im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Randomize
