I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Randomize
