I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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