He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
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THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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