sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Randomize
