I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
