Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
it glows. i had to have it.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Randomize
