I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
