You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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