she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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