He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
