i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
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I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
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...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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