Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
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