i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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