Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
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I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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