Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
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He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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