Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
