in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
