Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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