First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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