Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
