i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Randomize
