i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
