hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
