she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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