mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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