I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
You ruined the universe
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
