did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
