ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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