life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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