I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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