Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
