I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
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I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
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My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy