i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
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