I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
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I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
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The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.