So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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