Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize