I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
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She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
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Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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