Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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