I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
