Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Who wears a wallet chain?!
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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