Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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