Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
