Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Randomize
