So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
