i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
