My friends, they love my intelligence
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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