Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
